Meeting myself where I'm at

Sg. Palas plantation in Cameron Highlands, 2017

Once upon a time, someone had told me about a vision they saw of me, lying in the grass on top a hill staring up to the sky, and looking at the valley beneath, knowing that God was everywhere. If only that'd be the case all the time!

The spiritual journey is sometimes described as 'hills and valleys' (and yes, I love that song!). More often than not, my valley experiences outlast my view at the top. When I hit rock bottom, my first though would always be, 

"Sigh. Time to start it all over again."

But a saying like that made things worse for me. I'd feel more discouraged than inspired to keep pushing. It's likened to playing Snakes & Ladders and constantly coming down the ladders no matter how far you run in your journey. 

So I stopped. 

Instead, I started to pray that God will meet me where I'm at no matter which ditch or ledge I'm hanging on to and to continue up from there. I didn't want to think that it's square one that I'm starting at all over again, but maybe I'm at square three and moving on from there. That is how I found some motivation to keep going. 

The ditch that I constantly fall into, is not seeing my worth. I know who I am - a child of God, but knowing my worth is something else. Every day, I am challenged to think that I am less than who God says I am - even by good people. Each intentional prayer is one nook along the walls of the ditch, for me to climb out of it. 

It took three years for God to break through the darkness called my heart. 

This is what He showed me:  

that I viewed God only as a disciplinarian
that I didn't understand God's mercy
that I am insecure
that I had stopped praying
that I was furious at God
that I had been selfish
that I had been ungrateful
that I took everything into my own hands
that I stopped trusting
that I love suffering

that I miss being with God, a lot. 

I'm not saying that I'm invicible or that I've overcome everything, but I believe change always starts with realisation. 

一步一步地

And a good place to start would be knowing I am deeply loved and fully known by Jesus.

Upwards to the next nook or cranny.

ps: While I climb, I'm also picking up Mandarin and drawing flowers along the way!

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