Monday, October 26, 2015

Chapter 60 - Take me home

I wish there was someone to teach me how to feel.
What do I feel?

What's going through my head.. or rather my heart?
I can't even tell them apart.

Why did I run? Why did I not?
Was there something I forgot?

I'm sick of running around in circles.
I'm sick of this never ending cycle.

I detest my fears and doubts.
I just want out.

Please take this baggage off my shoulders.
It's too heavy for Your daughter.

I can wallow in self-pity
But honestly, I just want to get back my sanity.

Sigh.
Pie.








Sunday, May 17, 2015

Chapter 59 - The Glorious Unfolding

It's only when we're distant from someone do we realise how close we were to them - Rudi Cheow.

In the last week, I was very upset and bitter towards God. I was upset that life wasn't going the way I expected- who doesn't?. There were so many uncertainties in my near and far future that I wanted answers to but never got them. People asked me questions and I was tired of not being able to give them answers. I asked myself questions and I still couldn't give myself answers. Life was depressing and I couldn't take it. My body, mind and soul caved in. Then, I grew tired of relying on God. I deliberately took a step away from God and told Him that I felt like giving up on my faith because it seemed pointless. 

I didn't go to church. I didn't want to read God's word (ironically, that's the most prominent way He speaks to us) and I didn't want to pray (although I kinda still did ).

This is the ugly side of my journey of faith which many don't see.


I have suffered. I am suffering. I expect suffering. 

I can't compare my suffering (and neither can you) as worse or better than others but every individual's suffering is valid. It is not what others perceive your suffering to be, but rather what you perceived it to be - that which is called your suffering. God gives and takes away to whoever and whenever He chooses.

Steven Curtis Chapman is a singer/song-writer. He is also a Christian. He lost his youngest daughter (age 5)  when one of his sons accidentally reversed the car into her. I always felt that he was one person who I could relate a little, but only a little.. but even a little is a lot.

His music video, Glorious Unfolding, has summed up the wise counsel that has been given to me over the short span of time.

I know this life we live is a consequence of sin and not what God had originally designed it to be. I know we await the sharing of the eternal glory when Christ comes again. I KNOW.

Yet, I still don't know. 

Everyday, I like to think I make a choice to love God in return to His love for me even though I'm mad at Him. In the last week, that hadn't changed.

It turns out that when I told God I wanted to give up, THAT was my prayer of faith.

Jesus has journeyed life and knows what it means to suffer. He has already walked the walk. This is the cost of our discipleship.. but the beauty amidst suffering is knowing that someone has gone before us, we're not alone in our journey (other people are probably going through the same thing - you'd be surprised) and that something great awaits us at the end of our faith journey.

All my feelings (inward groaning) is translated so beautifully in this song and I urge you, if you are someone who's in a ditch and can't seem to find the light in the darkness, to listen.

Listen to this song, but more importantly..listen to the gentle whispers in your heart from the One who made you :)


Just watch..

..and you'll SEE.



Glorious Unfolding - Steven Curtis Chapman

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

Ink Writing finale: 
"Everyone should understand that I'll never get over him. But first, I need to understand that too. Otherwise, I will never allow myself to love or be loved the same way ever again.", Frankie thought. Is that just what she thought?

Friday, May 8, 2015

Chapter 58 - Stages


It's getting harder..again. 

There are things I cannot admit to..because if I do.. there's really nothing I nor anyone could do about it.

As much as I know God could do something about it, at the end of the day, it's down to me. 

Either that or there's really nothing I can do about it and that's why it seems like I've chosen not to do anything about it.

If I'm thinking it, surely there must be something wrong..?

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Chapter 57 - Life after Death

Have you ever wanted something you feel you can't have?

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of getting hurt.
I'm afraid of hurting others.
I'm afraid things don't work out.
I'm afraid I lose sight of You.
I'm afraid of losing grip of my priorities.
I'm afraid I don't feel the same way as I have before.
I'm afraid I'm not ready.

I'm afraid to let go.

I'm afraid to let that one person into my life.
I'm afraid I'll compare.
I'm afraid to tell one person every single detail about my life.
I'm afraid I'll be judged.
I'm afraid of shortchanging myself.

I'm afraid to try again.

When you lose something good once, it's only natural to feel like you're gonna lose it again.

I want God. I love God. I need God.

But.. it'd be nice to have someone journey life with me,too.

I never had the choice as to how our relationship would end.
i just don't want to have to choose to let go because you're already gone.



I miss you.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Chapter 56 - Oh snap

I broke my arm.

Well, here's the abridged, cut version. 

Four of my friends and I were up in Grampians National Park, trekking down the Mackenzies Fall Trail. 

We decided to stop and rest somewhere and so we did. It was then I decided to climb onto a log. I chose the part of the log that was 4 feet off the ground. Of course, I just had to. 

I propped myself on and once I sat on it, well you know what they say, what goes up must come down. Gravity worked against me and I fell backwards, on solid rock ground, with my arm stretched. 

Oh, snap. 

There was no phone reception anywhere! With a lot of encouragement and help, we started to trek out of the bushes for that was our only option. To add on to that, there were thunderclouds coming in (great!). 

As we trekked, we met the park rangers who were led by two of my friends. He had no painkillers. I was sad. They told us we had the other option to walk up this 80m untrekked, steep hill next to us instead of climbing all the way to where we started. We decided to try it. With the help of the park rangers and my friends, I greeted the paramedics at the top saying, 

"Hi! Do you have painkillers?"

Within 5 minutes, the rain came and we headed to the hospital. I'm sure the paramedics and a friend of mine found the trip entertaining with me high on drugs (morphine). 

_______________________________________________

Here's an insight to my mind as all this was happening:

From the time I fell, a voice said to me,

 "You know you're gonna come out of this thanking God." 

That gave me courage to know that I'm gonna be okay. There was an inner peace despite all that was happening. I knew God was with all of us. 

During the trek out, I would've thought that I'd be miserable but with the company I had, that was hard to achieve. With no doubt, God sent me angels to take care of me and He sent the right people with the right set of skills. 

Indeed, I came out thanking Him for He was my strength and my salvation :)

______________________________________________


In all honesty, the first 6 weeks in a cast were okay. Usually I wouldn't be alright, but I strangely was. 

After my re-casting due to a minor incident and complications, I do wonder how I am with this again. It's easy to put up a front. I'm at this stage whether I need to or not. 

It does get frustrating, uncomfortable and disappointing. My body aches everyday with this heavy burden around my neck. It's tiring to walk or sit for long hours and shower. It's frustrating not being able to play music or sports. It's disappointing to know that it's gonna take 3 more weeks before I can scratch my arm again. It's easier to fall into negative thoughts.

I'm praying that God will give me the strength and patience to deal with this not so convenient time. No point complaining :)

Nevertheless, I'm thankful for so many things each day. 

Here's to learning to be joyful in all circumstances and always being prayerful. 


A BIG thanks to Alvin (Boss), Yi Min, Jimmy and Ei Jean! 
Sorry, we had nicer pictures but my computer spazzed out and deleted some photos before I could save them :(

Monday, December 15, 2014

Chapter 55 - Failure in disguise

Every other day, I feel like I fail people around me and usually in the smallest of ways. 

One advice I will always remember: 

"There will be other people who will be better than you even if you're a Christian. They will be nicer, more selfless, humble... but the difference is we know this is why Jesus died on the cross for us because we can never keep up to a perfect standard. We are so flawed Jesus had to die for us, so loved that He wanted to die for us. "

Being a people pleaser, I would lean more towards feeling horrible when I fail people, even in the smallest of ways. I can't stand it when people are mad or disappointed in me. 

This, however, I know is crippling. 

Learning to be okay with my own mistakes takes time,wisdom and humility; humility to say sorry when it is due and admitting my faults and wisdom to not repeat the same mistakes.

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delightin weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Cor 12: 9-10 
(Read from V1 for context)

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Chapter 54 - Mirror

I prayed this morning that if God was willing, He could teach me something today through Bible study, that I may listen and obey.

Tim Keller's Bible study on Galatians 3:1-14 really hit home for me.

It spoke about anger. Yes, I am passive-aggressive. I am a potato when it comes to expressing anger. Hence, I am a walking time bomb everywhere I go.

If you have deep anger against someone and aren't willing to let go of it, you are denying the gospel and what it stands for.

What is the root cause of this anger? Why am I angry? What am I holding on to more than the gospel that tells me I have been forgiven and hence I should forgive us? What was holding me back from allowing the power of the gospel to change me completely, to release hurt and free me from bondage?

Pride. 


I sat on the lawn, reading online articles on humility and what it meant. How do I counter pride? Do I do it with learning humility? There were so many lines that were just power-packed, much like those sermon one-liners that really stab you straight in the heart.

I read '4 Humble Things That Aren't Humble' and in all honesty, I was guilty as charged. Countless times where I've done all of them..and I felt terrible. Not to the point of being worthless and dirt of the Earth..but more like.. dumbfounded. Have I been so blind?

Emotionally tired, I took a nap and before I slept, I told myself "If there was one thing I learnt from the way Kin lived, it was his humility". I can't recall ANY one time where he would boast about his possessions, status, gifts, abilities.. If anything, he did the complete opposite. It was that one quality that captured my attention.

I was very blessed to have Kin in my life because unlike now, I got to know him for a while and knew a little about him. I got to know more of his better qualities while we were together and could see him mature, only by God's grace. I took a risk and chance with him and was pleasantly surprised.

In three days time, I'll be leaving my room, my college where some of the remaining memories of Kin linger. The first time I cooked a meal for him, the time he recorded plenty of songs in my phone and left it to surprise me, the time he bought me 10-pack of ginger beer and couldn't carry it back, the time he encouraged me and was so patient while I struggled to finish my assignment on his last night here, the time when he learnt to cooked bacon (and other things) and was so happy (and cheekily greedy about it), and the time when he folded all my clothes and washed all the dishes while I was in uni ( he earned so many brownie points for that- especially if you've seen my room!!).

However, I also leave painful memories. This was the room I remember kneeling on the floor, screaming at the top of my lungs the word "NO" the day Kin passed away, the room where I cried countless times and the room where I sat completely numb to my friends packing my bags for me to go home.

I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this with those of you reading this. Maybe because I didn't have anywhere or anyone else to share it with. It's kinda one of those things you just want to tell someone, without having them to judge you. Strangely, I feel like Kheng Kin would be the only one I would be completely comfortable sharing this with but..ah wells.

This is the continuation of my journey, with a new perspective. I want to learn to be submissive, to not be conscious about what it means to be humble, but to allow the Spirit to work in my heart that I may mature to be like Jesus.