The beginning after an end

12 November 2013

Maybe one day I'll make this public, but for now it shall remain a secret, between God and I. 

When I lost James, I lost many things in the process, too. 

I lost my future.
I lost my best friend. 
I lost my confidante. 
I lost my confidence. 

I lost myself. 

I had depended so much on him to help me maintain my pride and self-esteem that I eventually forgot how to help myself. Whenever I fell into a ditch, he would always be there to pick me up. Hardly did I ever wonder or given much thought on being confident in Christ. I had put him above God for the time we were together. Though both of us realised it and struggled hard to put God first in everything we did, it was almost impossible for us without accountability outside our relationship and eventually we started to give up.

God became secondary. 

We depended so much on each other though we kept encouraging one another ever few months to spend time doing devotion and praying for each other. I, too, am guilty of depending too much on him for spiritual support. I wonder if I ever gave him as much support in the last year we were together.

After Kin passed away, I felt like I lost everything. All the windows, doors, nooks and crannies in my heart were exposed and wide open, welcoming anyone willing to fill it up because it was empty. It felt as if God had robbed my home,my heart.

However, in the recent weeks, my eyes have been opened beyond measure to things God has been trying to make me see. God knew what would happen when He took Kin home.

I was,perhaps still am, a mess. 

If it's one thing God has been telling me over and over again it's being confident and secure in Christ. 

If it's another thing God's been trying to tell me it's being a woman of God. 

I'm taking my journey in learning how to be a godly woman- a woman who chases God and yearns to have a heart like His. I'm discovering what purpose I serve as a woman in God's church now.

One day, I hope to empower and encourage many young women in the future to know who they are in Christ and to not listen to who or what the world tells them to be.

Today marks the very first of a new beginning in my life. 

Take it, accept it, embrace it ♥

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rest for Anxious Hearts

Image
I've been learning why God instituted rest as part of our lives.It is true - our bodies are finite and if we keep believing delusion that we are not, we become less efficient down the line, even for His kingdom.  It's so easy to get caught up in life - clinical placements, uni, catch ups, conferences, workshops, church, sports, work, planning our future. We're constantly filling our schedules with things to do or even filling the silence in our cars or minds with social media, music or podcasts. Our minds are constantly switched on. If you have your eyes off your phone at any given time, have a look at the people around you in the train or at the dinner table. What are they doing? At the end of the day, we'll all fall into the same pit - tired, anxious, burnt out or sick.  Hopefully you look better than this. I'm not saying all that we're doing is wrong.  What I'm proposing is that they bring no further value to us if we choose to not r...
Read more

All the fitness He requireth is to feel your need of Him

Image
  That’s my kind of fitness, or is it really? Living with depression has been quite a ride. I’m learning new aspects of myself that I don’t like and often find myself asking if it was the depression or me?  I don’t enjoy the part of myself where I swear when I feel out of control, or just frustrated from feeling tired all the time. I wonder if there are people who suffer far worst than me, and yet wonder the same things. Does their depression hinder them from God?  It was extremely difficult yet easy to cry out to Him in the seeming hopelessness when depression kicks us right where it hurts, and God sounded awfully silent in those moments. But I never felt like He abandoned me ever. Yet, I don’t know if I’ll ever get the answer as to why He kept silent. Or was my depression stopping me from hearing Him? Impossible, right? For some, I wonder if it’s the guilt and shame that their illness convinces them off - that they are simply not worthy enough to come to God. I wonder h...
Read more

An answered prayer

Oh the joy of an answered prayer.  All the nights of worrying whether I'll be seeing you again.  All the nights of wondering why do you feel the way you do. All the nights of thinking what could I do to help. That one helpless night when I realised all I could do was pray.  And God heard me (and possibly a few others praying the same thing, too). Dear Friend,  One day, I do hope you'll come to know how much you are loved. Not just by the people around you, but by the One who made you, you. 
Read more