Deeply Loved, Fully Known

  That’s my kind of fitness, or is it really? Living with depression has been quite a ride. I’m learning new aspects of myself that I don’t like and often find myself asking if it was the depression or me?  I don’t enjoy the part of myself where I swear when I feel out of control, or just frustrated from feeling tired all the time. I wonder if there are people who suffer far worst than me, and yet wonder the same things. Does their depression hinder them from God?  It was extremely difficult yet easy to cry out to Him in the seeming hopelessness when depression kicks us right where it hurts, and God sounded awfully silent in those moments. But I never felt like He abandoned me ever. Yet, I don’t know if I’ll ever get the answer as to why He kept silent. Or was my depression stopping me from hearing Him? Impossible, right? For some, I wonder if it’s the guilt and shame that their illness convinces them off - that they are simply not worthy enough to come to God. I wonder how does the Ho

Sg. Palas plantation in Cameron Highlands, 2017 Once upon a time, someone had told me about a vision they saw of me, lying in the grass on top a hill staring up to the sky, and looking at the valley beneath, knowing that God was everywhere. If only that'd be the case all the time! The spiritual journey is sometimes described as 'hills and valleys' (and yes, I love that song!). More often than not, my valley experiences outlast my view at the top. When I hit rock bottom, my first though would always be,  "Sigh. Time to start it all over again." But a saying like that made things worse for me. I'd feel more discouraged than inspired to keep pushing. It's likened to playing Snakes & Ladders and constantly coming down the ladders no matter how far you run in your journey.  So I stopped.  Instead, I started to pray that God will meet me where I'm at no matter which ditch or ledge I'm hanging on to and to continue up from there. I didn't want to

I've been learning why God instituted rest as part of our lives.It is true - our bodies are finite and if we keep believing delusion that we are not, we become less efficient down the line, even for His kingdom.  It's so easy to get caught up in life - clinical placements, uni, catch ups, conferences, workshops, church, sports, work, planning our future. We're constantly filling our schedules with things to do or even filling the silence in our cars or minds with social media, music or podcasts. Our minds are constantly switched on. If you have your eyes off your phone at any given time, have a look at the people around you in the train or at the dinner table. What are they doing? At the end of the day, we'll all fall into the same pit - tired, anxious, burnt out or sick.  Hopefully you look better than this. I'm not saying all that we're doing is wrong.  What I'm proposing is that they bring no further value to us if we choose to not r

God spoke today. "  Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For  we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but  the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.     And  he who searches hearts knows what is  the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit  intercedes for the saints  according to the will of God.     And we know that for those who love God all things work together  for good,   for  those who are called according to his purpose.     For those whom he  foreknew he also  predestined  to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be  the firstborn among many brothers.   And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also  justified, and those whom he justified he also  glorified. Romans 8:26-28 My prayer for those who cannot see:  In the times when darkness shrouds your good conscience, remember that you are worth it. In the times when negativity strips you of hope in life, remember that y

Oh the joy of an answered prayer.  All the nights of worrying whether I'll be seeing you again.  All the nights of wondering why do you feel the way you do. All the nights of thinking what could I do to help. That one helpless night when I realised all I could do was pray.  And God heard me (and possibly a few others praying the same thing, too). Dear Friend,  One day, I do hope you'll come to know how much you are loved. Not just by the people around you, but by the One who made you, you. 

12 November 2013 Maybe one day I'll make this public, but for now it shall remain a secret, between God and I.  When I lost James, I lost many things in the process, too.  I lost my future. I lost my best friend.  I lost my confidante.  I lost my confidence.  I lost  myself.  I had depended so much on him to help me maintain my pride and self-esteem that I eventually forgot how to help myself. Whenever I fell into a ditch, he would always be there to pick me up. Hardly did I ever wonder or given much thought on being confident in Christ. I had put him above God for the time we were together. Though both of us realised it and struggled hard to put God first in everything we did, it was almost impossible for us without accountability outside our relationship and eventually we started to give up. God became  secondary.  We depended so much on each other though we kept encouraging one another ever few months to spend time doing devotion and praying for each